Tsunami & Biochemical Pathways of My Life & Introductory to My Close Friend's Life (please read at least the second part)

Ah... exam starts off next Thursday with Oral English and this should be my last blog before exam ends (I guess) and I would share a little story about my close friend in the end of this blog. Oral English... hmm... nothing new to me since the structure and procedure is somewhat the same like that of MUET.

On Thursday, which was two days ago, I returned home from school and logged on to MSN messenger, and I saw Sing Shia's account online, so I gave her a ting. She replied me telling me that my dear 'wife' Wen Chian and Sue Zin were both there to study for the exam on the following day: Biochemistry for Pharmacy. We had a Video Conversation and it was really very nice to see people that eases my vision and to hear voices familiar and sweet to my ears.

As usual the UVTSS (Sing Shia) was still as 'big-momma' as usual - not motherly but just like 'tua mak' ever sitting on her noisy, technical problem, president's chair while Sue Zin, did what she does best, lazed on the lower-bed of the double-decker bed of UVTSS. Then came my 'wife'. She was taking over my place on top of the world by climbing up to the upper-deck of the double-decker. Eh, since when I say you can use my nest? Ok ok... you're my 'wife'... so I let you lah... :p

We spoke for about and hour asking each other our lives and other people's lives too. Everyone seems fine there I and hope they really are, just that they are stressed of course. I felt nice. I felt homely. It was as if I was back there again with them. Together. Everyone was so happy back then. Never did I had bad mood or felt down when I was there with them. It was so beautiful. Everything was really only second to perfect. Well, what seems perfect does not last, then what about second to perfect?

At night, I couldn't sleep. I don't know but everything seems to bother me. A nameless fear took over me. Though there was fear, sorrow dominated my night. I couldn't help stop thinking of it. It was too powerful. I was too weak. My foundations weren't strong enough. It came and swept me away like a sudden rush of big water across a land, be it an open plain like the green, carpet-like, young paddy fields of Kedah, or a dense jungle as in the jungles of Taman Negara. Imagine a wave so strong that it shapes the rocks that it beated upon. The force was big, the impact unendurable. It was like tsunami. I was not only bent and washed away but also, I was crushed.

I couldn't sleep though it was already 1 a.m., so I onlined until 2 or 3, then I tried to sleep and surprisingly I woke up at 6 and wasn't sleepy at all. To tell you all the truth, my tear gland worked again. Now I understand how it feels like to be alone, and worst of all, to cry alone. Nobody is there for you to lean to.

Divided I was. I truly am. I really have not been so divided. Or at least I feel so. First Pathway, I could have the option to do Pre-Pharmacy right after SPM in SIT back then but due to my parents, I went STPM. I would be in Australia now. My cousin Junie, Aunt Sharon and Uncle Ian encouraged me to take this road. However, I did not. My parents asked me to choose, but I know, they wanted me to do STPM.

Second Pathway, I was to do A-Levels in Sedaya. At first my mother was keen on this but in the end, both my parents succumb to STPM also. If I had done so, I would most likely have done better than in STPM as the A-Levels is of modular system, not cumulative. I would be in third year USM Pharmacy now, senior to my dear 'wife'. I would be in KL this time.

Third Pathway, to do Pure Chemistry in UTAR, Setapak. This would be my field but not exactly what I wanted to do for Life. I would be either in second year (if I did not do Pharmacy in UCSI) or first year now (if I were to enrol in UTAR instead of AIMST). I would be in KL then. Make more new friends of many types from many places. Definitely more than here.

Fourth Pathway, back to UCSI School of Medicine, if I were to remain in the School of Medicine doing MD there, then I would have completed the first term of the second year. I would be in KL but half a year more and I would be in Kuala Terengganu but together with Jo-Lyn, Robin and Xin Thien and others too.

Fifth Pathway, would I have done Industrial Chemistry in UMS, Sabah, I might learn Hakka there. I would be near to the highest peak in Malaysia but away from many people. I would be in second year of the course which actually interest me no more than Pure Chemistry. Though brighter future than to do Pure Chemistry but at least Pure Chemistry in UTAR is closer to everything. I would have been with my best friend, Chin Leng there.

Sixth Pathway, if I had passed Biostatistics for Pharmacy, I would have remained in The School of Pharmacy. I would be in the second year now and taking exams for subjects like CVS, Blood and Pharmacotherapy, Physical Pharmaceutics I, Antimicrobial Therapy I, Dispensing & Compounding, and Biochemistry. I would be in KL. I would socialise better. My P-life would be better accepted there. Jason is there, Geok Im is there. Jon is there. I would still have a chance to see Dr. Thet and Dr. Zab. I would still have a chance to gossip and laugh with Ms. Wong and Ms. Saw. I would be with my 'family', with Soon Yee, with Sia Chin, with my 'wife'! This is the nearest to perfect but it is also the furthest from me. It is out of reach. A dead-end.

Seventh Pathway is the present one. AIMST. Foundation. Humiliating huh? Is it worth it to go such distances just for a degree in Pharmacy? Now I'm doubting. My P-Life is not well accepted here. Everyday I see my batchmates, I feel old. Everytime I see my seniors, I feel very left out, being like a creature of a class far lower than them. Every moment I see Pharmacy students, I marvelled at them but I felt sad and defeated. The feelings just come naturally. No way I could control them. I should not feel this way.

It seems like nothing really matters to me now. I feel very lonely. I am lonely. It would be impossible to find a group of people just like my 'family', a combination of people from all over and of different but complimentary character and speech. Nobody here understands how I feel. Whenever I speak of my P-Life, many shun away. One example is when I spoke of it, he (being one of my closer friends) was stunned and everything went silent. Would God please send me someone who understands me? Would He please send me someone to accompany me so I would not have to go through it alone, lonely and afraid?

Being a Chemist is not really that bad. Being a Pharmacist is not that great. Being a Doctor is not at all in my care. I admit, being a Pharmacist was my vision and mission. It used to be. Now that I've heard the words of my little sister Qiu Ping, which stroke my mind fast and hard, that she prefers a simple life, I began to feel tired. I feel left in the middle. I no longer have the will nor the urge to go on. To think about the amount of money spent and the time spent too makes me feel guilty. Should I leave the world of education and just plunge into the world of work and to remain unsuccessful? The Eighth Pathway - to be a Lotus Eater.

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I would now keep my promise and wouldn't break it. It is time I share something about one of my close friend (it is far from possible for me to mention his name here, I'm sorry) as he wishes me to do so for him as I know more people than he does and more people know me too (according to him lah...). He could not possibly write this in his blog because he treats this as his Dark Secret. I wouldn't actually classify it as a dark secret but... he is a homosexual, a gay.

Life haddn't been easy for him and I am grateful that he hasn't gone mad. At least not yet. He saw a short homosexual clip involving the life of gays and lesbians. It is a Taiwanese-based movie and it makes him feel that he wants someone to love and be loved. On the night after he watched the clip, he really felt very sad. He called me up to talk to me. He cried over the phone as he spoke to me.

Many so-called "normal", straight people (they, those "normal" straight people, treat it as if homosexuals are ABNORMAL) do not understand the feelings of people like my close friend. They even condemn people like my close friend. One of which, sadly to name him, he is Victor of foundation February batch 2006 of AIMST.

My close friend, as a homosexual, wishes to lead a family life too but it is, impossible to him. When I questioned him why, he said it would be cheating another person's love. It is like cheating another person, the girl. Another problem arises too - when there is no love, there is no sex. Then how is he going to have a family? Even if he manages to get his wife pregnant, then what about commitment? He is in great fear of what would happen to him in his old age if he were to remain a bachelor without children. He would be alone with nobody to take care of him, not even a wife or husband.

Like most straight people (I won't use the word normal here) homosexuals needs company and love too. Think about this: the society has already reject or at least find it hard to come to acceptance of these people, they are isolated. This increases the degree of loneliness to them. They would appear desperate, and straight people would start to say that gays and lesbians are desperate.

If you were to think it over again, it is the society of straights that forced them to the edge of isolation and now the straights are pushing them over the edge down into the bottomless abyss of desperation and condemn. In a way, the straights are not being fair here. Worst of all, the some straights say that they are fine with homosexuals but they do show some phobia and uneasyness.

It is very unfair for them. They have heavier psychology burdens as compared to others so some manage their lives not as good as others, and they are labelled 'useless people' by many straights. They live underground. Gays and lesbians are humans too. They are no different from any of us. Why should we fear them? Why should we condemn them? Why should we hate them? Why should we feel uneasy among them? Why should we laugh at them? Would we ever come to acceptance?

I would like to share these with you. It is the homosexual-themed project. I have seen it. Though I do not really know mandarin, but I understand what it is about. :o)

http://homepage.ntu.edu.tw/~b94610125/theDoor/theDoor.wmv

http://homepage.ntu.edu.tw/~b94610125/theDoor/

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一直相信著的又是什麼呢
一直對抗著的又是否存在著
無法違背的世界
我們選擇了跟隨
放下彼此 走向前

一直想活得像別人那樣子
到頭來我們連自己都不是
只能不停地改變
有誰能夠站在原點
才會一直 到最後

才發現你的離開 不只是一場意外
不只是感情路上的一段
那曾被你親吻過的天空
就在那一夜失去笑容

到最後我們的愛 變成一片空白
變成你轉身抖落的塵埃
那曾被寂寞佔據過的彩虹
就在那一夜失去盡頭

那曾被回憶肆虐過的溫柔
就在離別後變得冷漠