Evil & Darkness Rising...

My days run darker as I age. Smiles are rarer than frowns. Laughters are even tougher to come by than smiles. Everyday, I feel the burden getting heavier and heavier. My personality is driving me mad. The fact that I'm the only child in the family is pressuring me harder every single day.

Difficulty is there when I cannot mingle well with my circle of friends. They are getting well with each other but I'm not getting well with them. It is as if there is a feeling that they hate me. I know I'm way inferior by the way I look, dress, communicate and perform academically. I tried to open up myself to them but somehow, there seems to be a barrier and I ended up scorned. I always blamed it on communication.

I tried to be kind but they don't seem to care or to appreciate. I controlled my temper but it is not enough. People still hate me even I control my temper or not. Is it because that I'm born into this life of hatred that I have to suffer? Is it because you all have heard about the other side of me? Niama eh kong leh! If you have, and if you despise me, pray hard that your future generations aren't born with life like mine. I tell you the truth, it is not my choice to be born in this life. If I could choose, I wouldn't have chosen it. NOBODY would!

Not merely friends. My juniors too. Am I that bad a senior? Why do I see fear in the eyes of those I talk to? At times I see disgust in their eyes. It is as if I'm a disgrace to them and they're ashamed to be related to me. Some seniors too looked down upon me. Just because of that incident that had happened 3 years ago, I lost many of my seniors' confidence. Even my grandmother's.

People see me as a dark person at first sight. Even after I've done many things to try to set things right, they still have that kind of bad impression on me. What could I do? I've been nice before. Now? FUCK IT. You're looking for a bad guy? I'm here.

I was not like that before. The CB-Sakai people will know. I used to be relatively warm, caring and noble last time. Last time, back at the Central Valley, I used to shell prawns for my friends. I cooked for my lecturer & friends. I played music for my friends. I could actually lend my proper mobile phone to my coursemate while I used a defunct phone. Now? MaPuKi you do the shelling. You do the cooking. You entertain me. And I won't lend anything to anyone, defunct or not. Nabeh! I'm not boasting. I know I've changed to a far more terrible person now. Now I'm cold, evil, selfish, unkind with a dark personality. This is what you all thought about me isn't it?

Why should I be kind and sporting? You were not sporting. You were a PUSSY and still are a pussy. When there was a complaint about certain things, you were one of the loudest. Kaninabu! But when it came to the time to come face to face with the problem, (to put it in a proper way) you shied away, otherwise, (in a direct way) you chickened out (Hokkien ue kio kan-kay).

Why I chose to be cold and not to be friendly? Simply because some people here are multiple-faced pontianaks. This does not exclude you, my dear. When there is a need for us, or when there is a benefit to be extracted from us, you will come to us and be nice, warm and friendly to us. You speak in our tongue in order to "jek" us so that we would let our guard down. Your speeches are usually layered (berlapik-lapik). Bin phuey pni cibai kao! You use your soft, delicate, charming, artistic, and poetic, but predictable lines on us just to persuade (force) us to do as told (ordered) by you. You're just so "eat chicken near chicken, eat duck near duck" (ciak kay ua kay, ciak akk ua akk).

When you finished using me, what will you do to me? One word - DISPOSE! Wow, I didn't know you're that environmental friendly. At this time, I am made of glass. If i'm not made of glass, I'm invisible (<-highlight to reveal). Whenever things turn out to be good, it is always your good, benevolent doing even though your saint self have naught to contribute and you've contributed nothing. When things go amiss, you start pointing fingers. Kao lin ah? Point fingers to 'cucuk' people's backside ah?

You are a hypocrite! Fire-stones are way more beautiful than you are! I may be foul-mouthed by complaining about what you have done, but I am telling the truth nonetheless. However, what you're saying about me is all way out of course! People build castles in the air but you, you build meteors in the air, causing havoc at the earth down below. Watch out as one day, I may send a hailstorm back to you as to return you your noble favour.

You only know how to save your own foul skin. FUCK IT! The only thing you're good at is charms and using people as your pawn, to block bullets for you. I warn you this, repent, or else flee, if you value your foul skin!! You have not seen the worst of me, yet! Limpek Kan Ka Lu Khi Thi Ah!!!

A Turning Point...

'Twas long ago since I've last waved my blog with dull, monotonous & dry words. Well, it had been a rather tough year that I've went through. It may not appear to be physically tough to all of you but it's mentally & emotionally taxing to me.

2nd year BPharm was kinda boring. Seriously, I do not think that AIMST BPharm programme is really good. To be honest, it is far from the standard BPharm programme in Malaysia. Imagine this, a 3rd year student knows nothing about Pharmacotherapy except classifications of Autonomic Drugs, and, we learn Medicinal Chemistry before being exposed to Pharmacology. However, I cannot really say it out loud, therefore I sometimes I find myself telling people that: "To be completely honest, I'm a liar."

Lecturers we had of different qualities and quantities. The industiral lecturers seem to keep going away while the clinical lecturers seem to keep on coming. We had a range of interesting and terrible lecturers - Bird's Nest Head, Snoopy Ratio, Magic Mushroom Addict, Rabid Dog, and even our very own Tweety Bird and Apom Sin @ Pancake Spirit (Aponm Sin - read in Hokkien, well I'm sure you know what apom means, and "sin" means god/diety).

Even some of the 'teachers' are of substandard products. Of course I'm a way-below-average Pharmacy student, but sometimes, it is very annoying to find that a Clinical Pharmacist had to teach a Pharmaceutics subject (i.e. Physical Pharmacy). Fine, exemption given to HER for teaching a pharmaceutics subject, but as a Clinical Pharmacist, could she not know the mechanism of action of phenoxybenzamine and phentolamine?

Enough of the academic side, I don't even want to say anything about the laboratory session. Only one word I can say - FUCKED! Well, I had moved out from my aunt's house and hostel. I moved into a house together with 3 other of my coursemates, need I mention their names? Fine, they are "Sean Kingston", "Why Why Tan" & "Wonky the fairy". Should I say that they are lovely housemates? For my part, I can say that they are fine despite we all know that there will always be conflict arising when staying together in one house. Thank God my housemates are not worse than they are now. I've heard of many worse and more terrifying tales accounted, both in KL & SP.

Many asked me why I moved out while I could had had the luxury staying with my aunt, but none knows what tyrant dwells in that fair house. I hope my aunt won't blame me for saying this, but it is the truth. She knows that also. And, I'm pretty sure that she will be way happier that I'm away and no longer a burden to her.