熟能生巧

吹 風 就 感 冒， 淋 雨 就 發 燒， 有 礙 就 好。。。

Sunday, 11th June 2006... what a lame day... the night before, I chatted with a guy called Jin... woo... and my favourite X-Man is Jean Grey... had a great talk with him for more than 3 hours over the phone... Then, the next morning, I was awakened by my mother who suddenly came into my room to get something... aiyoh... why can't she just leave me alone? I mean... aiyah... refer to my previous blog... "Troubled Heart"...

Our plan was to visit my grand aunt (korr poh) in Butterworth... but... she could not find her angpow... so she instructed me to go later. My mother is like that: people must wait for her, but she cannot and must not wait for other people... I do not like this. She scolded me because I bought a RM4.60 1-litre orange juice the night before from 7 eleven. She did not even listen to my explaination and just kept on scolding. She is like this, everytime there is a thing to quarrel about, I always get scolded. There will not be a chance for me to explain a thing and she will keep on scolding to SATISFY HER ANGER! Even if i get the chance to explain, my reasons were treated as excuses and my excuses are not reasonable. She is never wrong, I am always wrong. Even if she does not understand one's situation, she acts like she does and she will reward me with a scolding.

Does she know how to teach a child? Does she understand me? When I was young, I was scared of her scoldings and hittings... but as I grew bigger, I get fed-up, used to it, and I began to hate it... Refering to the previous blog "Troubled Heart", I have lost all sense of love. My heart will not and never open to anyone else, not even my parents... Since the day She left, I felt I am left all alone. Although physically parents are around, mentally and spiritually, I do not feel so. They love me a lot, but what keeps me going on enduring with them is Respect... Slowly, as time goes by, I began to stop asking things from them, little by little. Many readers may think my problem is Communication, but no, you all do not and will never understand. I have had enough quarrels with them. Each time I bring out something, if they find it faulty, one thing only will be the response - SCOLD! WHEN WILL THIS EVER END??? I believe it will end... but will it end good? I don't think so.

Nowadays, they (especially my mother) keep asking me, why I treat them like stranger, must keep everything from them? I feel like answering them I do not feel they are like my family... Because, they keep scolding... I used to fear it... but I hate it now... My heart has a storm that will never quell. I do not feel comfortable when I think of them. When I am distant away from them, I feel better. I don't know, my heart is really closed to them. I do not think anything can open my heart anymore. I cannot think of one anymore. After scolding me, she compared me with the character (Tom) in I Not Stupid Too, saying that I am exactly like him, spoilt, stubborn, bad, and naughty... I was like: "Oh, ENOUGH!"

I could not take that anymore, so as she was ironing, I told her I wanted to go Air Itam. She asked me the reason I go there. I was about to answer her that I wanted to do something, but in the end, I said I wanted to visit someone. She asked me who, I just answered, someone la... I drove there, going up the hill towards Air Itam dam, passing by Kek Lok Si... I was on my way to visit Her... She lives in one of the building on the hillside. It was a long time since I last visited Her. I should have visited Her more often because She is the one I have in my heart. The one and only. None can surpass Her in my heart. My love is all for Her.

Ascending the hill, I realised something - I forgot to get something commonly for Her. Last time, when I visited Her, I would get flowers for Her. Sometimes when my father goes up with me there, he would bring oranges and apples for Her. My mother seems to hate Her a lot. I don't care whether my mother likes Her or hates Her, nothing can change my heart. She is the only one I love. NO OTHER! or at least She is second to none in my heart. Readers, you may think I am not being reasonable and you may think it is not right for me to feel this way, but, tell me, how would you feel if you're me? I am not one that loves someone because he/she gives me what I ask for. I am not one that treats someone nice because he/she does so to me. I am not one that likes someone because I can get benefits from him/her.

When I reached the building, I silented my phone and greeted those who lived there along with Her. When I saw Her, my heart was glad. Suddenly, I felt like my worries were gone. A smile was on my face though embaressment engulfed me as I did not bring anything for Her this time. She did not give any response other than a smile, which She always had done. She did not change at all since the last time I saw Her. She was exactly the same. She could not age. She was beautiful as before. She had Her white spectacles with her. I spoke to Her, asking Her how She was now, and telling Her how my life had been. However, I suddenly felt sad. I knelt. In front of Her. She continued to smile. I knelt down before Her, and tears started to flow - began to cry. I told Her everything. All I've gone through, studies, life, romance, parents, friends, etc. I told Her my feelings. I told Her what happened on that morning. I cried. I could not hold back my tears. She smiled.

I stopped crying and looked up at Her. She still smiled, beautiful, and sweet as ever and always... And I realised, She left, ten years ago. Ten years ago, when I was still in standard 4, She left. Why? Why did You leave me in this world? Why did You not take me along with You? I am alone in this world, with nobody I can turn to as comfortable as You. She was Mdm. Koay Siew Hoon, my Nanny since I was born. I called Her 'Mommy' and I loved Her as one. Readers, you may call me a traitor to my mother, what ever, I don't care! This is how I feel! Nothing can change it! Kill me if you want! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

Any problems, I can go to Her and I do not have to feel bad about telling Her anything even though I had to tell Her about the P thing. She brought me up (yes, even though with my parents' money), She was the one that brought me up, with love and care and something none could ever have - understanding. I grew up with Her, with Her understanding. She taught me many things in life and about life with understanding. I do not wish to compare the way my parents brought me up, otherwise you readers would say that I am biased! She had cancer, fought, and lost.

Seeing Her white spectacles brought old memories, of sweet and bitter back to my mind. Tears began flowing in bulk this time and I cried out. I cried for Her. I wanted to be with Her. Many times I had asked Her to come to my dreams to meet me, but none ever happened. Does She not love me anymore? I don't care! I love Her! I wished she was still around, to guide me in my life. However, She had left. I am left in this life alone, lost without Her. Mommy!!!

After an hour there, I headed home, if not, my mother would scold me again, unleashing her anger at the same time. We had lunch at her colleague's wedding. Then left for Butterworth. Long time I had never seen my grand aunt. She became thinner, and notably weaker as she aged. We chatted about 2 hours there and my mother's cousin came to visit also. Seeing that cousin of my mother with her husband would have brought the rage of fire to my heart because they cheated my grandfather's money! However, that day, I had not the mood to do such things.

I drove home with my mother beside. As usual, she does not understand the condition of me driving and what is in my mind and she started scolding about how I drove and insisting that I drive HER way! I did not want to comment much as commenting would only make matters worse. She brought up the tale of I Not Stupid Too again and started nagging about teenagers today! Oh God... At night, I left for McDonalds Greenlane as Jin wanted to meet up. Well we had a great time there and he wasn't really a bad person. Or at least not as bad as I thought.

There is nothing for me here... Only Death...

世界上，什么都沒有了，Mommy, 配藥，愛情，朋友，什么都沒有了。。。 有些東西，誰也沒有辦法。。。