Troubled Heart...

sometimes... I wish that I would have another sibling! At least I would have someone of the same 'wave length' to talk to! To share my thoughts and feelings with... My mother is a very strict mother and my father is quite conservative... If I were to stray out of the line they set for me, they, particularly my mother, would teach me, but she would use her sinister anger which is very 'menggerunkan' to teach me. I can tell you, since I was young, I hated Sundays because she would be at home. When I was young, her presence would make me fear... I do not know why, but there would be great fear...

As I grew up, I am beginning to dislike the way she handle me and I hate lectures! She claimed that I am not afraid of her scoldings, so I suppose I am not afraid, but I dislike. I am really fed-up with all the scoldings and grumpy faces she and my father would give and show when I do something wrong... I just... don't like it... I know they love me a lot and I should not have such impressions towards them but I cannot help it. Each time I try to understand that I am wrong and I should accept whatever they say, I cannot do so... I feel very very very uncomfortable... and I feel rebellious...

This secret I will share with you... When I was a baby, I was taken care by a nanny in Air Itam called Mdm. Koay Siew Hoon... She is one I really love... I do not know why, but is this because she took care of me since I was young? Is it because I grew up with her? I felt more attached to her than anyone else... Even though I know my parents love me more than anyone else, I still feel that my nanny's love is greater and I love her greater than my parents... I am not a fillial son then... I have failed to be one... Then... one fateful day, when I was still in Primary School, she passed away because of cancer... That time, I felt like I have lost someone very close to me... Since then, I felt like I am on my own... even though my parents are still around... I felt lonely... And since I do not have siblings, I have no one else to turn to as that time, I was not socialable as my parents did not encourage me to socialise as they were afraid that I would become a bad kid... even I was not close to my cousins at that time...

So, since then, I rarely go to my parents if I have any problems, because, mostly, problems arise because I must have done something wrong. If they find out what I did wrong, there goes the volcano and earthquake... I would nearly say that I NEVER went to my parents for counsel... I found my own solutions of solving things until I grew older, when things get complicated, and when I am more socialable, I seek advice from school teachers and friends... I NEVER go to my parents... they would not be at the top of my list... If I had at least a sibling, I could have told him/her properly and share my thoughts (although I may have conflicts with him/her but at least someone of the same wave-length is with me)... And, another thing, if I have a sibling, at least I do not feel as pressuring as I am now because all hopes of my parents lie on me alone... If I had a sibling, I could have discussed many things with him/her regarding many things from parents to studies to life...

I can tell you that I really feel very relieved when my parents are not around... I can be my ownself if they are not around... I do not need to put on a mask... I do not need to argue with them... But they are my parents... and they love me a lot... more than many... But I'm afraid, I failed to show my appreciation and love to them... and I never will succeed...

My dreams of late were strange... What I dared say was I dreamnt of a young man, in his early twenties... he was shouting out loud... the waves would have made every single object give way to them unless it was a wall... even if it was a wall, a shock and a tremor will happen and the wall would be shaken... he was in a pool and there were water rings surrounding him as he shouted... His shout was just a plain shout... but a long lasting one... Suddenly, I had telepathy... and I read his thoughts... what I got was 'Pharmacy! Pharmacy! Pharmacy!'... What the dream meant, I could not interpret... even if I could, I dared not interpret...

I am quite sick of this dual personality of mine since I was young... since I was very young... I fought with defiance when I was younger... but I came to acceptance later... STR & PLU are the main ones... I cannot possibly reveal two together... I have revealed my dual personality to quite some people... but not all...